not enough paper

I have been a Christ follower for over 30 years. You would think by now I would have it down. I never seriously thought about killing someone. I don’t think of myself as a thief. I’ve never had a drug or alcohol problem. I don’t like gambling. I normally do not lose my temper…in public.

But, I have had the urge to hit the car that ignores the red light, in the turn lane and takes 2 seconds of my green light (in fact, I was with a friend once who did just that…she hit the car…on purpose!) I have thought about taking a pen or using paper from work for personal use, justifying that I use my paper, ink, etc., from home for work things. I can say no to wine or hard alcohol (it’s easy because I don’t like the taste…unless it Kailua and cream) but it takes everything I have to not eat chocolate cake until I feel sick. The lottery holds no interest for me but if you could see darkness in my heart when I stand behind someone buying tons of lottery tickets when all I want is a gallon of milk, you would see sin. And, I know how to behave in public, how to temper my reactions to things that happen that I don’t like. But, at home, I don’t feel the same need to monitor my response.

About 27 years ago, I was driving to church (in Michigan) on a Sunday morning. A car pulled out in front of me and I hit my horn. As I continued to church, I noticed that he was turning every where I needed to turn…including the church parking lot! I dropped Jeff and the kids off at the door, found a parking spot in the back of the lot and waited in my car for the other guy to have time to move from the lobby to the sanctuary. Once I was inside, a man walked up to me, with a smile on his face , and said “I guess you don’t like the way I drive.” I wanted to sink into the floor. I apologized to him and thankfully, he accepted and our families became good friends. Lesson learned, right? No.

A couple of years ago, I was driving, (which seems to be a real testing time for me) and I was in one of those places where the road merges from two lanes into one lane. I was in the CORRECT lane and the guy in the other lane sped up to try and get around me. Somehow, my gas pedal went down and my car accelerated as well. (I have a slightly competitive spirit). He did not back down and would have hit my car rather than yield. As he pulled in front of me, I hit my horn. He gave me a wave through his window that could be interpreted as “calm down sweetie.” I fumed. My heart was beating harder and faster and my hands were shaking. I found myself driving as close as I could to his bumper. I wanted him to know how angry I was. I can even remember thinking…”this is crazy…I am crazy to let something like that upset me so much”. Fortunately I did not have the opportunity to see this man or talk to him. But the anger lingered over the next couple of hours.

My sins now seem to be more sins of attitude and motives, which can lead me into out-right identifiable sin (horn-honking and tailgating). If I took the time to write them all down, there would not be enough paper.

Thank goodness God is patient with me. I now try to allow Him to reveal those areas He wants me to work on because tackling all of them is impossible.

Consider spending some time with Him today asking what are those motives or attitudes He wants you to look at. Are there things you are already aware of? Others that may be hidden? Pay attention to how you feel and think and become more aware of what is beneath those emotions and thoughts.

Grace and Peace,
Deb