Why must holy places be dark places?
C.S. Lewis
This quote speaks to the mystery of how God works in the midst of tough times. As I look back on my life, I grew the most in my faith when I went through dark times. One of the most significant was when my son was 3 years old. He got sick, very sick. And we weren’t sure what was wrong. It took over two weeks of hospital tests, 4 days in the intensive care unit, and poking and prodding by doctors to get a diagnosis. I had a six month old at home, that I was breastfeeding, who I was leaving at 6 am in the morning and returning to at 11 pm at night.
He was so sick that I wasn’t sure he would be coming home. I needed to be near the hospital he was in, which meant I was not home…I and my daughter were staying with my parents. I was separated from my church family, my husband was in another state working, and I remember feeling very alone.
I remember one night sitting at the bottom of my parents’ driveway in my car after a long day at the hospital. I was pounding my fists on the dashboard, yelling and telling God that if He wanted to get my attention, then do something to me and not to my toddler. I vented all my frustration and finally, went to the house and upstairs, to fall in to my old childhood bed. As I lay there waiting for sleep to overtake me, I realized that I had given everything over to God…everything except my children. When the reality of this hit me, I immediately asked God to forgive me. I thanked him for the privilege of having Mark for three years and said that if He wanted to take him, I released him (not that He needed my permission but I wanted Him to know that I was recognizing His sovereignty). I also remember asking for the grace that I would need should Mark die. I cried and cried but this time it was from release…even facing the possibility that I could lose him, I knew that I could rest in whatever God had in store for me.
That was a crucial lesson in my Christian walk…in learning to trust…trust whatever God had in store for me…trust that He could see me through.
Mark recovered and I am so thankful that I continue to have the privilege of parenting him. But, tough times still come into my life. Sometimes fear is still my first instinct but in time, I can look for God’s presence in the midst of the difficulty. And what a calming presence it is.
Are you going through a tough time? Are you gripped by fear of what the future holds? Do you find yourself questioning God and the plan He has for you? I invite you to spend some time today reflecting on the sovereignty of God…knowing that He holds you in the palm of His hand and that nothing can touch you that He cannot use for your good. May you sense His peace in a deep way today.
Grace and Peace,
Deb
2 comments:
I had the same experience when my Pappy died. I prayed that God would just take him Home, and relieve his pain and suffering. And I was pregnant at the time with my first son. And I believe I received a gift from God when my first son was born, because he had blonde hair and blue eyes, just like my Pappy!!
I am amazed by how much brighter God's light shines in the darkness. When all else disappears and He becomes all there is. How incredible the journey is when we can step into solitude and sit with God to look at where we stand. Tyler, our shining 12 year old only child, made the transition to the Junior High this fall. I am so thankful that he chose to follow his heart and told us he wanted to stay with his friends from elementary school and not transfer out of the district this year. He has made a seemless, blessed transition. He finally got to join a running team after desiring to run for as many years as it has been from the shooting. As he practiced all summer with his coach and teammates, running has become a sacred discipline, a time of pushing his body, mind and spirit beyond the limits. A time to be in quiet solitude. It also gave him another group of friends, renewing old relationships with 3 boys from our previous church and all the joys of belonging. As I drove to my class in Spiritual Direction on Friday I reflected on how thankful I was that I drove thru the darkness of last year and did not walk away from God. I am so thankful that while I heard the human voices telling me I was not mature enough to mentor and all the labels, God's voice was so much louder, so positive beckoning me to follow Him. I checked in with Tyler after practice and he told me over the phone about a vivid dream of destruction at school and that he was there. So close to the images I struggled with in the 18 months following that fateful day. Yet as we talked all I felt was peace, I suggested he start a dream journal and he was eager to do so. I am so thankful that neither of us felt fear, just acceptance. He is not mine, he is God's and he will only be in my life for as long as he is. He is a gift that I can not hold tightly, he must be free to grow and choose his own path wherever that leads him. On my own journey there is still darkness. I went to my class on Saturday and grieved as we went thru a class on our Myers - Briggs personality types and how they relate to spirituality. I finally saw in black and white how all the events of the past 4 1/2 years( the shooting, having major health issues, being force out of the church) have actually changed my personality type from the dynamic extrovert who loved being spontaneous to the introvert who needs everything scheduled out for the comfort of routine. I cried thru almost all of class and sobbed for the entire several hour drive home. I still grieve for the person I was, I am still finding ways I have changed that are so hard to accept and yet as with Tyler's life there is an incredible amount of hope in surrendering it all to God. In knowing that rather than grieving the mom I have not been able to be as I have worked on healing, I have each day to be not only a different mom, but a new person with a truly unique outlook on life with a God who has held me each time I have allowed Him to. There is so much freedom in truly surrendering it all to God, to allow Christ's blood to flow freely over you like baptismal water, and rest in the palm of God's hand. Hope is in Him.
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