The longer I follow Jesus the more I realize how much I have to work on. One would think the longer they work at something the better they would become at it. For quite a while I was confident that I was progressing in this journey. I think I based that on the external “biggies if you know what I mean. I don’t steal, I don’t murder, I don’t covet…ok maybe I still covet, but I try not to. I think that might count. On the outside, for the most part, I look and act like a Christian. And, I thought, for a long time, that I had ‘arrived’.
Several years ago, I realized that no matter what I was able to portray on the outside, there was stuff on the inside I hadn’t noticed, let alone addressed. Issues like feelings of jealously, bitterness, envy, or behaviors like manipulation or control. I realized that my motives and attitudes were not as pure as I had hoped. I just never had thought about it before. When I realized this, it was a rude awakening. I mean…how in the world would I ever be able to get a grip on my thoughts, my motives, my attitudes? Working on those areas of my life were/are not easy and it’s difficult to measure how I’m doing.
One of the awesome things about God is that He shows me what I need to work on, when He is ready for me to work on it. And…I have also discovered that He is really the one doing the work. I open myself to that work but it isn’t work I can do on my own. I know that because I’ve tried, for years, to change some of those things without significant results. Now I am learning to rest in the work God wants to do in me. I can see some changes, but I think I have a much more realistic view of how long this work is going to take. It will never be finished this side of heaven. Just knowing that allows me to not be so hard on myself but I also know I never want to settle for just an ‘outside’ kinda faith.
Peace,
Deb
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
inside~outside
Posted by deb at 5:34 AM
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2 comments:
This revelation must be part of our progression as a follower of Christ. I thought I had control of my life but the further down the road I go the more I realized that I had no control at all. If God didn't work in me all would be hopeless because my sin nature is so strong. But I do have hope because I know that Christ is working in me. I can see it and feel it. Sometimes it hurts but I know that I need to stick with what God is taking me through at that moment. Sometimes it's fun and joyful. As you said on this side of heaven we are all works in progress and that's okay.
Hey Deb,
I understand this completely. I used to think the same thing. I don't do the biggies so I'm good. And then, I started to realize that maybe I really do the biggies. I haven't actually physically killed anyone, but how many times have I killed someone's spirit or self esteem with my words? How many times have I stolen someone's confidence because of what I say without thinking? Why? Because of jealousy, or because I'm a control freak, or just because. Boy, did that hurt when I finally became honest with myself and with God. But, with that pain of truth, also came genuine transformation. I started to really look at the inside and also realized that the only way I could change was by allowing God in and letting Him take control, which in itself is a huge work in progress! :)
Now, by no means is this a perfect relationship, at least on my part. There are still many times when I just choose not to listen. I kind of envision me acting like a 3 year old with my fingers in my ears and going "lalalalalalla" so I don't have to hear Him and God just sitting up there rolling His eyes patiently waiting me out. Sometimes, I even get sent to the "naughty chair" for timeout. But, the amazing thing is, God is always there, waiting and ready to make the changes in me and I am slowly learning that it's just easier to go with it and as you say "rest in the work that God wants to do in me"
Signed,
Another work in progress,
Carol
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