grief

“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. “

~Colette

Now I have no idea who Colette is…but I do understand what she is talking about. The other day I was unpacking boxes in my bedroom (we recently moved) and I came across a pillowcase. I felt as if someone had slipped their icy hand into my chest and grabbed my heart. It was the pillowcase that was on my mom’s pillow the night she passed. I remember stroking her hair while her head lay on that pillow. I remember resting my head on the edge of that pillow when the nurse helped me get into bed with my mom so I could hold her for awhile. I remember not wanting to wash that pillowcase….but I did and I put it in that darn box. It was in there waiting for me to unpack it. I held that stupid piece of fabric and cried like a baby.

Today, I sat with a dear friend who just lost her dad…last weekend. I listened while she shared her fresh pain and it opened mine. We cried in Panera Bread. We talked about watching our parents decline and what small things we had done to try and protect their dignity. We wondered what it would be like when our children would have to care for us when we were unable to care for ourselves. We both wanted to make sure we told our kids how much we loved them so they would never be left wondering.

I came home tonight to a message from my dad. The daughter of a sweet friend of the family died last night. She fought a hard fight with ovarian cancer and several months ago the doctors said there was no more they could do – it was time for Hospice. Procuring Hospice care for an elderly parent is one thing but having it put into place for your child? That is the kind of grief that will steal your breath, drive you to your knees and make you wish you had never been born. Just being honest here, folks.

I feel surrounded by grief and grieving tonight. I feel weary and tired. I am sad. I am crying. Why? Because I miss my mom. And my friend misses her dad…and a wonderful mom misses her beautiful in-the-prime-of-life daughter.

On days like these I clutch onto Jesus and I wonder how those who are grieving and don’t know Him are even able to get out bed in the morning. ‘Cause this grieving stuff is real and could easily take you down.

I sense that tomorrow will be a better day for me. I am four months in and although it still sneaks up on me, it lasts a shorter time and there is more space in-between. Not so for my other friends. Their journey is just beginning.

Jesus – please hold onto them.