thorns

Do you ever find yourself wondering what life was like in the Garden? Beauty. Serenity. Harmony. Peace. Complete fellowship with God and with each other. Flowers without allergies. Roses without thorns. And no pain. Can you even imagine – no pain? Enter the serpent, the desire for autonomy and a choice to move away from God. Welcome to thorns…and pain.

I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. I tried different types of meds looking for the right combination. Right now, I think I am as close as I am going to come. It can be painful to roll over in bed at night but getting up in the morning is the worse. Each step across the floor makes me cringe as I feel like my heels are on fire. The first time down the stairs, I feel and sound like a 90 year-old great-grandma. I have my hands on each of the walls trying to take some of the pressure off my feet. By the time I am ready for work, I can usually bound down the stairs. I feel pretty normal until I have sat for awhile, either in the car or at the computer and when I get up to walk, reality sets in. It is a nuisance but certainly not debilitating.

Then there is PAIN. If you have been reading my writing for a while you know my mom is living near me. Her health is overall, not good, but for her the past 7 months have been stable. No hospital visits, no internal bleeds, no shortness of breath, no ambulance rides, no blood transfusions. On one level, I think we have both gotten use to her chronic issues and have come to accept them.
One of her chronic issues is/was knee problems. Both knees are quite painful and she has been getting steroid injections which have provided some relief. Her last one was last Friday. Over the weekend her mobility was improving. Until yesterday. I went to pick her up to go out for dinner. As she got into the car and I was putting her walker in the backend, she asked if I could lift her right leg into the car. I did and she screamed. Then she cried. Then I wanted to cry. I asked her what had happened and she told me she had not had a good day with that knee. Understatement. As I got into the car, I told her I was taking her to Urgent Care to get that knee looked at again. She says, “No – it will be ok.” (Although you can already see that was a lame answer it is better than what she usually says…no matter what the problem…bleeding, shortness of breath, chest pain – she always blames it on a change in the weather!) I insisted we go and get it checked out. We did. X-rays. Dr. talking. Bottom line – she probably needs a knee replacement. Bone on bone – no more cartilage. Grinding, sharp, unpredictable pain. Out in ½ hour with no injection, no magic pill. Back in the car – more pain, more crying.

She says she won’t have the surgery. I know knee replacement is not a surgery for wimps. Neither is constant pain. Everything she does – going to the bathroom, going to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, you name it – it requires so much effort. It breaks my heart. I can’t stand seeing her hurt. I am helpless to change it.

Some days I long more for Eden than others. This is one of those days.

Grace and peace,
Deb



Photo by CB_27 http://www.flickr.com/photos/cb_27/5486980903/