see you on the other side

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.""
Rabindranath Tagore


Last year, during one of my mom’s hospital stays, they scheduled her for a colonoscopy. Needless to say, she wasn’t thrilled about this test but it was necessary. As they wheeled her into the procedure room, I made the unfortunate comment, “See you on the other side.” The nurses turned to look at me and I found myself trying to explain that I meant on the ‘other side of the procedure’!
Last night that phrase took on deeper meaning. After a grueling 23 hours, she final went Home. I have never been through this process before. There were moments when I thought I could not listen to her take one labored breath, when I pleaded with God to take her quickly. It didn’t seem quick to me at all. I slept next to her for two nights and listened to the oxygen pump. I also listened to her breathing. I never knew breathing could take so many forms. Sometime yesterday, when I felt I could not do this any longer, I went into another room and knelt on the floor. I started to ask God – ‘Why is this taking so long? I cannot stand to see her struggle.” I also was having such a hard time finding my center, my peace. What was that about? Then, almost as quickly, I sensed God saying to me, “Deb – you are not in a place of surrender. You are trying to dictate the process. Let go and trust Me. I’ve got her.” Something shifted inside of me. Although the process was still extremely difficult, I had a deep sense of peace.

In the midst of the difficulty, there were also some amazing gifts during this time. Just last week, I was in Chile. I had asked my brother, Rollie, to come and be with her while I was gone. He enjoyed 12 days with her – a wonderful time between mother and son. I returned home from Chile before she took a turn for the worse, so I was able to be with her through this part of the journey. We had time to talk before the stronger morphine doses were needed, which allowed her to feel no pain but also took from her the ability to communicate. There was a steady flow of employees of Country Meadows coming into her room to hold her hand, tell her they loved her and share stories with us about her. She was surrounded by family for the last hours of her life. We had a beautiful prayer time. We took turns holding her hand and wiping her face. We told her that we loved her and that we would not leave her alone…that we would stay until she made her journey Home.

Two years ago almost to the day, I moved my mom to PA. What a special and sweet time this has been. God allowed us to heal our relationship and build so many lovely memories. I have been blessed beyond belief by her presence and now I began the task of learning to live my life without her. I am so thankful that she has no more pain but it also leaves a huge hole in my life as I’ve seen her 4-5 days a week for the past two years.

In the Nooma DVD “Breathe”, Rob Bell asks the question, “Do we die when we take our last breath or is it because we can no longer say the name of God?” I choose to believe it is because we can no longer say the name of God…and when you are in His presence, I doubt that words are needed.

I love you Mom, so much…..and I will see you “on the other side.”
Love,
Debbie