the long goodbye

Two years ago today, moved my mom to Pennsylvania. That move was the results of several years of asking, pleading, and begging so we could get her good medical care. She settled in and we began the wonderful journey of building our relationship. That consisted of many hours of talking, eating, laughing, crying, offering and receiving forgiveness and building new memories.

Her health has been like walking on a tightrope. Too much of this medication messes with that issue but not enough causes even bigger problems. Two months ago, she decided to stop further treatment and we began Hospice care.

Last night, I was called back to her apartment - she was struggling to breathe. They had called the Hospice nurse as well. I walked in to see her in her chair gasping for every breath. I asked if they couldn't give her more morphine to help her relax. They couldn't because of the way the order was written. So we waited. It was the longest hour of my life. Finally the Hospice nurse arrived. She determined it was a build-up of fluid around her heart that was causing the shortness of breath - the result of congestive heart failure. She suggested we use diuretics to help remove some of the fluid. We said 'no'.....only comfort measures...nothing more that will prolong this stage. So - morphine now every hour. She sleeps in-between. She's still able to eat and drink and talk. Life now seems to be counted in moments.

After the Hospice nurse left today, mom turned to me and said - "So - am I in the croaking process?" I said, "Yes sweetie - you are in the croaking process'. We both cracked up. All along we've been able to have a sense of humor about what is happening. She's ready to go, I'm ready to let her go. It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle to do even the simplest of things...like breathe. What I am not sure I am ready for is this process...this long goodbye. Every time they come in to give her morphine, I wanted to ask for my dose. We are both having chest pain but from different causes. But I will stay present,...to her, to myself and to God so that I don't miss a moment of it, no matter how painful it is. This is the stuff life is made of. And I want to embrace it for her and for myself.

grace and peace -
Deb

photo by richardefreeman http://www.flickr.com/photos/freebird710/2878746921/