brokenness

“As it is lived out, Christian spirituality concerns the formation of our soul – ‘reforming the broken soul of [our] humanity in a recovery from its alienation from God’ which encompasses our entire being. It is in this broad sense that spirituality and the soul go together, for Christian spirituality actively engages the soul in its ongoing process of self-renovation: soul making, soul crafting, soul shaping, and soul keeping.”

Wil Hernandez, Henri Nouwen, A Spirituality of Imperfection

Broken soul of our humanity. Alienation from God. I cannot tell you how many life examples I witnessed in the last three weeks that speak to the broken soul, the alienation from God.

While in Chile recently, I had the opportunity to touch lives that ‘seem’ alienated from God - women, living on the margins, dealing with issues such as abuse and abandonment, children dealing with poverty and violence.
Less than two weeks ago, I witnessed the dying process of my mom for 48 hours. As I heard her gasp for breath while fluid built up in her body I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that neither of us was in the Garden. As I looked at her and held her hand through this part of the journey, I reflected on the fact that this painful process is the result of the Fall.

As tough as these situations are I am able to hold onto the last part of this quote…that with the Holy Spirit each of hard places is an opportunity for me to yield to Jesus’ work within me…’the on-going process of renovation’. May the Spirit continue in the work of ‘soul making, soul crafting, soul shaping and soul keeping’ and may I continue to allow this work to happen.

Grace and peace –
Deb

silence

“I surround myself with silence. The silence is within me, permeates me, my house, reaches beyond the surfaces of the outer walls and into the bordering woods. It is one silence, continuous from within me outward in all directions: above, beneath, forward, rearward, sideward. In the silence I listen, I watch, I sense, I attend, I observe. I require this silence. I search it out.”
Alice Koller

This is what I want for my life. My days are filled with deadlines and tasks. And I seem to add more to my plate without taking anything off. I need silence. I need it to slow me down, to quiet my inner critic, to help me pay attention to God’s still, small voice. I have found that silence is foundational to the well-being of my spiritual life…and that impacts my emotional and physical life.

If you are practicing silence, consider extending the time you spend. If you haven’t tried it, begin with three minutes. You can focus in on your breathing to keep all the other thoughts out of your mind. "In…and…out…in…and…out." Just allow yourself to ‘be’ in God’s presence, silently, for three minutes. It will be a gift you give to Him…and to yourself.

Grace and Peace,
Deb

paths

Years ago, when I consciously began my relationship with God, I was taught that there one way to nurture that relationship. There was this formula that I needed to follow. It consisted of spending time reading Scripture and then going through my prayer list. Once I was done with this activity (when I did it) I was on my way and going about my day without really thinking of God outside of making sure I made good decisions.

In the past couple of years I’ve discovered that there are other paths to nurturing my relationship with God. I learned that I could read just a verse or two and sit with it for a few days, reflecting on what God was saying to me through it. I could sit quietly with Him with no requests on my lips. When I began to get quiet, I could hear Him and see Him in conversations, in movies, in songs, in nature. I could see Him so many places if I took the time to pay attention and be aware.

I went from all verbal prayer to almost all non-verbal prayer….just taking time to be with God and raising concerns to Him as he raises them in me.

I went from a Type A, ‘life of the party’ personality to being much more comfortable being alone and being quiet. I feel like I can sense Him more easily and that He permeates every area of my life.

I love this new way of being with God. I am comfortable letting the old fall away. Not that it isn’t good or profitable but it isn’t how God is calling me to be with Him right now.

May you ask Him how He wants you to be with Him….may you be willing to try something different, a little out of your comfort zone if that is how He leads. May you discover the paths that God may be inviting you to. May you have a new sense of His presence.

Grace and peace,
Deb

Photo by Stoo Mathiesen http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoo57/5768884884/

shackled

“Forgiveness is the key that can unshackle us from a past that will not rest in the grave of things over and done with. As long as our minds are captive to the memory of having been wronged, they are not free to wish for reconciliation.”

Lewis B. Smedes

When my daughter was in Jr High, she liked this boy. They talked on the phone (because she wasn’t allowed to date until she was 16) and they would see each other at sporting events. One particular day we went to see him participate in an event. He had invited her to come. Then, in front of her, he got cozy with another girl. I was furious. In fact, I think I lost my mind for a few minutes. She and I went out to get in the car and I told her to wait while I went back into the school to look for this guy. Why? Well, I envisioned myself taking a hold of him and putting him up against the lockers and telling him that I didn’t appreciate him being disrespectful to my child. God was watching over me and him that night because I couldn’t find him.

What does this story have to do with forgiveness? I cannot tell you how long it was before I could think of that episode and not get worked up over what had happened. Years. I had been able to more easily forgive much greater offences but for some reason, this one was hard to let go. It would come to mind every time I heard a message, heard a song or read, about forgiveness. In fact, my daughter moved past it much more quickly than I did. That incident was a part of me for a long time…longer than I care to admit. Not that I would have ever even said anything to him if I had seen him but I held it in my heart.

Unforgiveness does shackle us to whoever hurt us. We chose to remain shackled to them and only through the key of forgiveness can we be free.

Consider who in your life, God might be calling you to forgive. It may be for a huge offense…it may be for a careless slight. But listen to what He is saying to you and ask Him for the power to forgive. Ask Him for the key to freedom from your past. Just ask…….

Grace and peace,
Deb

photo by atomic shogun http://www.flickr.com/photos/atomicshogun/66425689/

love

Please take some time and reflect on the words of this song. It is simply beautiful.

"Your Love Is Extravagant"


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend

Capture my heart again
Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate

Casting Crowns

Consider taking some time to write a letter to God expressing how you feel about the love He has poured out on you........


Grace and Peace,
Deb

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikebingley/373988250/lightbox/
photo by mike bingley

dark water

Several years ago, my husband and I went to Puerto Vallarta with family. One of the things they wanted to do was to go snorkeling. I had never been snorkeling before. I had seen it on TV….beautiful, warm, blue-green waters through which you could see to the bottom, vibrant colored fish of every shape, size and hue, a window into a world I had only seen on Animal Planet. We boarded a catamaran and off we went. We got further and further away from shore. I looked over the side of the boat and saw dark blue dense-looking water. I thought to myself that they must be taking us to the "beautiful, warm, blue green water through which you could see to the bottom".

Several miles out we approached an outcropping of large rooks jutting out of the ocean. We dropped anchor and the boat captain said this was the place. I thought “The place for what?” Lunch? Because there was no beautiful, warm, blue-green waters through which you could see anything!!! Only dark, menacing, rough water that was …gasp…COLD! If there is anything I dislike more than dark, menacing, rough water…it’s COLD, dark, menacing, rough water. I wanted to go back to the hotel and lay in the sun. But, I wasn’t there, I was here. And my pride wouldn’t let me stay behind on the boat.

So, I suited up and in I went. After I working to catch my breath which had been sucked out of me by the COLD, I tried putting my face in the water. Big mistake. The rough waters went over my snorkel and then I really had to try and catch my breath! And, much to my disappointment, I couldn’t see more than a foot down into the water, which meant I was only seeing more dark water. They had told us there would be opportunity to see fish near the rocks, so in a ‘can-do’ way, I began to swim to the rocks. About 50 feet from the boat, I felt an intense burning in my leg. I was trying to figure out what it was, when it happened again. I finally realized I was being stung by a jellyfish! I couldn’t see anything because…well, you know why, and all I wanted to do was get back on that boat so I started swimming back. It was a very scary few minutes as I tried to get back to safety. The jellyfish continued to sting me and I was trying not to panic.

Why have I shared this story with you? I think because it reminds me of life sometimes. I can often feel as if I’m in dark, deep water and I am totally out of control. I have felt like something from the deep is coming up to harm me. As I feel panic rising, I try to go towards what I know to be safe.

What I want is to know that I am ok in the midst of the deep, dark water. I want to know that God is control when the waves kick up. I want to know He is still holding me when the ‘stings’ in life come my way. I ‘know’ that all of this is true but sometimes I forget. I don’t want to forget.

Are you swimming in dark waters? Are you fearful of what lies beneath the surface? Life oftens brings dark, cold waters and holds things that frighten and sting us. But, in the midst of the fear, remember that He loves you more than you can possibly imagine and He, ultimately, holds you and all that you experience.

Grace and Peace,
Deb

photo by roxanelectra http://www.flickr.com/photos/revysarah/4647608725

thorns

This post is a re-run. I wrote it about my mom last year -

Do you ever find yourself wondering what life was like in the Garden? Beauty. Serenity. Harmony. Peace. Complete fellowship with God and with each other. Flowers without allergies. Roses without thorns. And no pain. Can you even imagine – no pain? Enter the serpent, the desire for autonomy and a choice to move away from God. Welcome to thorns…and pain.

I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. I tried different types of meds looking for the right combination. Right now, I think I am as close as I am going to come. It can be painful to roll over in bed at night but getting up in the morning is the worse. Each step across the floor makes me cringe as I feel like my heels are on fire. The first time down the stairs, I feel and sound like a 90 year-old great-grandma. I have my hands on each of the walls trying to take some of the pressure off my feet. By the time I am ready for work, I can usually bound down the stairs. I feel pretty normal until I have sat for awhile, either in the car or at the computer and when I get up to walk, reality sets in. It is a nuisance but certainly not debilitating.

Then there is PAIN. If you have been reading my writing for a while you know my mom is living near me. Her health is overall, not good, but for her the past 7 months have been stable. No hospital visits, no internal bleeds, no shortness of breath, no ambulance rides, no blood transfusions. On one level, I think we have both gotten use to her chronic issues and have come to accept them.
One of her chronic issues is/was knee problems. Both knees are quite painful and she has been getting steroid injections which have provided some relief. Her last one was last Friday. Over the weekend her mobility was improving. Until yesterday. I went to pick her up to go out for dinner. As she got into the car and I was putting her walker in the backend, she asked if I could lift her right leg into the car. I did and she screamed. Then she cried. Then I wanted to cry. I asked her what had happened and she told me she had not had a good day with that knee. Understatement. As I got into the car, I told her I was taking her to Urgent Care to get that knee looked at again. She says, “No – it will be ok.” (Although you can already see that was a lame answer it is better than what she usually says…no matter what the problem…bleeding, shortness of breath, chest pain – she always blames it on a change in the weather!) I insisted we go and get it checked out. We did. X-rays. Dr. talking. Bottom line – she probably needs a knee replacement. Bone on bone – no more cartilage. Grinding, sharp, unpredictable pain. Out in ½ hour with no injection, no magic pill. Back in the car – more pain, more crying.

She says she won’t have the surgery. I know knee replacement is not a surgery for wimps. Neither is constant pain. Everything she does – going to the bathroom, going to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, you name it – it requires so much effort. It breaks my heart. I can’t stand seeing her hurt. I am helpless to change it.

Some days I long more for Eden than others. This is one of those days.

Grace and peace,
Deb

Photo by Universal Pop http://www.flickr.com/photos/universalpops/5535719661/

see you on the other side

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.""
Rabindranath Tagore


Last year, during one of my mom’s hospital stays, they scheduled her for a colonoscopy. Needless to say, she wasn’t thrilled about this test but it was necessary. As they wheeled her into the procedure room, I made the unfortunate comment, “See you on the other side.” The nurses turned to look at me and I found myself trying to explain that I meant on the ‘other side of the procedure’!
Last night that phrase took on deeper meaning. After a grueling 23 hours, she final went Home. I have never been through this process before. There were moments when I thought I could not listen to her take one labored breath, when I pleaded with God to take her quickly. It didn’t seem quick to me at all. I slept next to her for two nights and listened to the oxygen pump. I also listened to her breathing. I never knew breathing could take so many forms. Sometime yesterday, when I felt I could not do this any longer, I went into another room and knelt on the floor. I started to ask God – ‘Why is this taking so long? I cannot stand to see her struggle.” I also was having such a hard time finding my center, my peace. What was that about? Then, almost as quickly, I sensed God saying to me, “Deb – you are not in a place of surrender. You are trying to dictate the process. Let go and trust Me. I’ve got her.” Something shifted inside of me. Although the process was still extremely difficult, I had a deep sense of peace.

In the midst of the difficulty, there were also some amazing gifts during this time. Just last week, I was in Chile. I had asked my brother, Rollie, to come and be with her while I was gone. He enjoyed 12 days with her – a wonderful time between mother and son. I returned home from Chile before she took a turn for the worse, so I was able to be with her through this part of the journey. We had time to talk before the stronger morphine doses were needed, which allowed her to feel no pain but also took from her the ability to communicate. There was a steady flow of employees of Country Meadows coming into her room to hold her hand, tell her they loved her and share stories with us about her. She was surrounded by family for the last hours of her life. We had a beautiful prayer time. We took turns holding her hand and wiping her face. We told her that we loved her and that we would not leave her alone…that we would stay until she made her journey Home.

Two years ago almost to the day, I moved my mom to PA. What a special and sweet time this has been. God allowed us to heal our relationship and build so many lovely memories. I have been blessed beyond belief by her presence and now I began the task of learning to live my life without her. I am so thankful that she has no more pain but it also leaves a huge hole in my life as I’ve seen her 4-5 days a week for the past two years.

In the Nooma DVD “Breathe”, Rob Bell asks the question, “Do we die when we take our last breath or is it because we can no longer say the name of God?” I choose to believe it is because we can no longer say the name of God…and when you are in His presence, I doubt that words are needed.

I love you Mom, so much…..and I will see you “on the other side.”
Love,
Debbie

the long goodbye

Two years ago today, moved my mom to Pennsylvania. That move was the results of several years of asking, pleading, and begging so we could get her good medical care. She settled in and we began the wonderful journey of building our relationship. That consisted of many hours of talking, eating, laughing, crying, offering and receiving forgiveness and building new memories.

Her health has been like walking on a tightrope. Too much of this medication messes with that issue but not enough causes even bigger problems. Two months ago, she decided to stop further treatment and we began Hospice care.

Last night, I was called back to her apartment - she was struggling to breathe. They had called the Hospice nurse as well. I walked in to see her in her chair gasping for every breath. I asked if they couldn't give her more morphine to help her relax. They couldn't because of the way the order was written. So we waited. It was the longest hour of my life. Finally the Hospice nurse arrived. She determined it was a build-up of fluid around her heart that was causing the shortness of breath - the result of congestive heart failure. She suggested we use diuretics to help remove some of the fluid. We said 'no'.....only comfort measures...nothing more that will prolong this stage. So - morphine now every hour. She sleeps in-between. She's still able to eat and drink and talk. Life now seems to be counted in moments.

After the Hospice nurse left today, mom turned to me and said - "So - am I in the croaking process?" I said, "Yes sweetie - you are in the croaking process'. We both cracked up. All along we've been able to have a sense of humor about what is happening. She's ready to go, I'm ready to let her go. It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle to do even the simplest of things...like breathe. What I am not sure I am ready for is this process...this long goodbye. Every time they come in to give her morphine, I wanted to ask for my dose. We are both having chest pain but from different causes. But I will stay present,...to her, to myself and to God so that I don't miss a moment of it, no matter how painful it is. This is the stuff life is made of. And I want to embrace it for her and for myself.

grace and peace -
Deb

photo by richardefreeman http://www.flickr.com/photos/freebird710/2878746921/

gratitude

It’s a brand new day. It’s a chance to thank God for drawing breath. It’s a chance to do it differently. It’s a chance to walk gently in the world and pay attention to the beauty that surrounds me. It’s a chance to love more fully, to forgive more honestly and to seek God more deeply.

May you appreciate this new day. May you feel gratitude for what you have and who you are…and that the Creator of the universe takes notice of you and loves you extravagantly.

Blessings,
Deb

out of ashes

“To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of utter desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in the darkness.”

Brennan Manning

I think parenting is the source of some of our sweetest moments and some of our deepest pains as human beings, especially as moms. I can remember vividly the two times I gave birth. The moment that tiny person was placed in my arms I had an entirely new definition of love. I knew that I would stand against anything that would threaten my child. I resolved to be the absolute best mom I could be. I wanted to love deeply, love in a way that allowed my child to know that, if the world seemed against them, I would be their safe place to fall. I wanted to teach them that Jesus loved them even more than I did. I wanted to tell them a life outside of Jesus would be empty and futile. I had hopes and plans and would daydream about what the future would look like.

For the most part, those dreams have come true for me. But….there were some scary times…times when I thought they might drift away. Sleepless nights, anxiety-filled days. Times when all I could think about was how they were doing. Would they be safe? Would they choose a life honoring to God? Would they want me to continue to be part of their lives?

I have a close friend who is living the nightmare. She has watched all three of her children make very destructive choices…choices that will impact them for the rest of their lives. I have sat with her for hours watching her heart break. I ache for her. I have compassion for her. I have prayed for her.

Recently, some of those circumstances have changed. She still has pain and difficult paths to walk but she is resting in God’s sovereignty. She has moved from asking “Why?” to saying, “Show me where to find You in this pain.” God has begun to answer that prayer. She is trusting that God is in control although things still can look out of control. She is…… whispering a doxology in the darkness.

Peace to you, my dear friend.

Love,
Deb
Photo by davetoaster http://www.flickr.com/photos/dfoster/3463699933/

cross cultural wonders

I am running on fumes right now. We arrived back in the states last night and it was 4 am before I got home. Two hours of sleep and I was up and out.
The trip was incredible. Wonderful hosts, open and vulnerable students, 150 women who heard how they are created uniquely in God’s image….and all this is the beautiful setting of Santiago, Chile.
Thank you all for your prayers. They were certainly felt. More to come……
Grace and peace,
Deb

adventure

Hi Everyone -

I am on an adventure. I am in Santiago,Chile teaching spiritual formation. For that reason, I won't be posting until next week.

If you think about it, lift the team up in prayer. Two of us are teaching in a Bible institute and the other two are doing a women's retreat on Saturday. Will be traveling back home on Monday.

grace and peace,
Deb

Photo by From Here http://www.flickr.com/photos/atyt/3761316505/

noticing

“God is everywhere. He is always with us – it’s just that we don’t always choose to participate in the relationship.’
Gary Moon

How much have I missed? I feel like a woman who has been in a coma for years and has just woke up. I seem so much more aware of God than I did a few years ago. Back then I knew a lot about God but I wasn’t aware of His presence. I knew that He was everywhere all of the time but I didn’t think to look for Him.

And, even though I am more aware of Him, I still have to remind myself to be looking for Him. I want to see Him in the design of the spider web covered with dew outside my window. I want to see Him in the conversation I have with my neighbor. I want to see Him in midst of the struggle I am having. I want to live in the reality that He is everywhere.

To be this aware, I need to be intentional. I need to get myself out fo the way. I need to sit quietly with Him, I need to remind myself that He is all around me, waiting to be seen. It is a choice to sllow myself be open to this reality.

Today, I invite you to take some time to ponder the truth that God is everywhere. I want to encourage you…encourage you to choose to participate in the relationship.

Grace and peace,
Deb

photo by SouthernAnts http://www.flickr.com/photos/steve_shattuck/3810546373/

busyness

Recently, God has been speaking to me about busyness; about going from one thing to another. I’ve had to take a look at why I feel a need to be busy and I think it comes from insecurity. Perhaps I feel as if I have something to prove…wanting others to see that I am worthy. Believing the lie that the busier I am, the more important I am.

I think God wants me to look at why I need this affirmation…why isn’t what He thinks of me enough? I need to reflect on this and discern how He wants me to respond.

Does this hit home with you? Are you 'too' busy? Busy for the wrong reasons? Take some time to observe your life, your activities, your choices and see what God may want you to notice...and perhaps to change.

Blessings,
Deb
photo by lrargerich http://www.flickr.com/photos/lrargerich/2801215270/

masks

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.

James Arthur Baldwin

Masks….I have worn them all my life. I’ve worn them to protect myself. I’ve worn them to pretend I am someone I am not. I’ve worn them because I think without them I won’t be accepted. I’ve worn them to gain approval.

I’ve worn them with other people and sadly, I’ve worn them with God. Not that it fooled Him, but it certainly kept me from being real and honest before Him. Because of His incredible love, the masks have been falling off. I am understanding that He loves me just as I am….no matter how messed up that may be. I believe that He grieves when I try to be someone I’m not…when I try to hide what is really inside of me.

I still occasionally wear a mask but it seems it’s less and less of the time. The more I rest in His love, the easier it is to be real with other people. And the more real I am with others, the more real they can be with me.

I am thankful to God that I don’t need to be anyone other than who He made me to be.

Are you wearing masks today? Are they there to protect you? To make you feel important? To help you hide from God? I invite you to allow God to gently lift those masks and allow you to be real…with Him and with others.

Grace and Peace,
Deb

photo by misteraitch http://www.flickr.com/photos/misteraitch/2302386855/

transformation

The spiritual disciplines are, "a means of receiving God's grace. [They] allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us."

Richard Foster

Practicing the spiritual disciplines does not guarantee transformation. We cannot make the change happen. Spiritual practices, in and of themselves cannot form us into the image of Christ but being intentional about spiritual practices can put us in a place of surrender, a place of receptivity to what God wants to do in and through us.

True transformation is always the result of God at work in us…but we can express our desire for change and for more of Him by having practices in place that open us up to the work of the Spirit.

Today may you consider what you may want to include in your life that would open you to the work of God.

Grace and peace,
Deb

photo by animantis http://www.flickr.com/photos/32559618@N08/3643765885/

hints of the sacred

‘I am a spiritual being. Of this I am sure. I know it every time I see a spider’s web or a newborn baby’s fingers, hear a mourning dove cry or the mingled laughter of young children and wise crones. I am convinced the world is not random. There is absolute order here, although I know it is absolutely over my head in theory.”

Margaret Becker, Coming Up for Air

I love the Scriptures. They tell the story of God. They tell the story of us. They tell the story of God and us.

And, I love how God makes Himself known to us through everyday life. This quote from Ms. Becker speaks right into my life. I have a hummingbird feeder that hangs right outside my kitchen window. No matter how many times I see one feeding, I still have the same reaction – it just takes my breath away. I have watched the birth of one my grandsons and cried tears of pure joy. Six years ago, I stood over the incubators of my granddaughters as they fought to hang onto to life, being born too soon. I cried tears of sadness – for the girls, for my son and daughter-in-law. Two weeks ago, I spent a lovely day celebrating my granddaughters’ 6th birthday. They are now beautiful, healthy, whole little girls. I watched them play with their friends and thought about the miracle that they are. Over the past two years, I have stood, too many times, at the side of my mom’s hospital bed, wondering if she would survive this episode of chest pain, breathing trouble or internal bleeding. It has been a tough couple of years – like living on the edge, never knowing when you might fall off….an emotional rollercoaster. When she is struggling, it seems like it is always night. But, in the midst of this physical storm, the lovely relationship we have forged during this time is worth it all. I have been able to see God’s handprint all over it.

If you are looking for it, you can see evidence of God’s involvement in this world everywhere (even in a hospital room or in the midst of a hospice visit). In any situation you find yourself good or bad, beautiful or challenging, He is there. You can know that intellectually but unless you learn how to look for Him, for hints of His presence, you will miss it.

The sacred is all around you. Be intentional today about looking for it.

Grace and peace,
Deb