unworthy

“What the gospel says about our situation is that the holy Mystery (God) presses upon us from without and within with a permanent offer of forgiveness, no matter what we have done. Believing that and accepting the offer leaves us at peace with God and with ourselves. It removes the bitter guilt of sin.
After that, we can still expect to fail; and when we do, we should feel remorse and ‘godly grief’. After all, that is a sign of self- respect indicating we have done something unworthy of ourselves.”
~ from Call of Discernment by Dean Brackley

I believe this quote is talking about a fundamental shift I’ve experienced in my awareness of God and my relationship with Him. Early in my Christian journey, when I would fail, I would feel as if I had let God down. I feared His judgment and would try to make up for my downfall or set a firm resolve to do better in the future. The reality is this - I will continue to fail. Hopefully, I will ‘fail’ better, meaning I notice sooner when I am on the wrong course or I am uncomfortable with my thoughts and motives, indicating an inner change and a sign that I am slowly being transformed. But, I will continue to fail, to some degree, until the day I die.
I resonate with what Brackley says – I know, that on some level I have done something unworthy of myself. As I grow in sensing the depth to which God loves me and I remember that I carry His image within me, I begin to awaken to the knowledge that I was made for more. Not only do I let God down, I let myself down.
It is the difference between trying hard to be good and wanting to be who you were meant to be. It is the difference between doing or not doing things out of fear and doing or not doing things out of love. It makes all the difference in the world.

Grace and peace,
Deb