dark places

Why must holy places be dark places?

C.S. Lewis

This quote speaks to the mystery of how God works in the midst of tough times. As I look back on my life, I grew the most in my faith when I went through dark times. One of the most significant was when my son was 3 years old. He got sick, very sick. And we weren’t sure what was wrong. It took over two weeks of hospital tests, 4 days in the intensive care unit, and poking and prodding by doctors to get a diagnosis. I had a six month old at home, that I was breastfeeding, who I was leaving at 6 am in the morning and returning to at 11 pm at night.

He was so sick that I wasn’t sure he would be coming home. I needed to be near the hospital he was in, which meant I was not home…I and my daughter were staying with my parents. I was separated from my church family, my husband was in another state working, and I remember feeling very alone.

I remember one night sitting at the bottom of my parents’ driveway in my car after a long day at the hospital. I was pounding my fists on the dashboard, yelling and telling God that if He wanted to get my attention, then do something to me and not to my toddler. I vented all my frustration and finally, went to the house and upstairs, to fall in to my old childhood bed. As I lay there waiting for sleep to overtake me, I realized that I had given everything over to God…everything except my children. When the reality of this hit me, I immediately asked God to forgive me. I thanked him for the privilege of having Mark for three years and said that if He wanted to take him, I released him (not that He needed my permission but I wanted Him to know that I was recognizing His sovereignty). I also remember asking for the grace that I would need should Mark die. I cried and cried but this time it was from release…even facing the possibility that I could lose him, I knew that I could rest in whatever God had in store for me.

That was a crucial lesson in my Christian walk…in learning to trust…trust whatever God had in store for me…trust that He could see me through.

Mark recovered and I am so thankful that I continue to have the privilege of parenting him. But, tough times still come into my life. Sometimes fear is still my first instinct but in time, I can look for God’s presence in the midst of the difficulty. And what a calming presence it is.

Are you going through a tough time? Are you gripped by fear of what the future holds? Do you find yourself questioning God and the plan He has for you? I invite you to spend some time today reflecting on the sovereignty of God…knowing that He holds you in the palm of His hand and that nothing can touch you that He cannot use for your good. May you sense His peace in a deep way today.
Grace and Peace,
Deb